It’s important to know how to set and communicate sexual boundaries, not only to protect yourself from unplanned pregnancy, but also from life-threatening Sexually Transmitted Infections like HIV.

While there really isn’t any such thing as “safe sex”, safer sex will reduce these risks considerably. Talking about sex and sexuality gives you the opportunity to take full responsibility for your choices and to protect yourself from disease and unplanned pregnancy. Know your own body, ideas and values. Know what feels comfortable or not and what brings you pleasure.

Here are some tips for making it easier:

  • Use STAR: Stop, Think, Act and Respond – a simple way to make a careful and good decision
  • When talking to a possible sexual partner, speak clearly, be direct and firm. Use “I” messages. You may say something like, “I feel upset when you pressure me into doing things I don’t feel ready to do”
  • Talk about your sexual limits and protection before you begin to get involved in any physical touch. It’s a lot harder to talk about it in the “heat of the moment” than before you start
  • Begin talking about sexuality in a neutral place, not the bedroom or in the car on a date, where you both feel comfortable to say what you mean
  • Be a good listener. Let the other person speak without interrupting them. Ask questions if you don’t understand what your partner is saying
  • Avoid communication breakdown. Try not to shout, or call each other names. Stay away from negative messages like frowning and interrupting
  • Avoid alcohol and/or other drugs. Being drunk or high only makes it harder to make healthy choices

Consensual sex Consensual sex implies a relationship between equals, an act that will take place because all parties concerned are willing and are in a fit mental condition to make the choice to have sex or not.

What constitutes consent?

  • When both (or more than two) adults are in a fit mental condition and indicate their willingness to participate
  • When neither party feels pressured to comply with the will of the other
  • When neither party partakes in sex in order to keep his or her job, dwelling or anything else of value
  • When neither party is threatened

We should all (men and women) be able to assert our feelings about sex with our partners. Good communication enables both of you to feel sure that you are participating in a good sexual relationship, you are being heard and valued too. It’s nothing to be shy about or ashamed of – it’s 100 per cent normal. So go on: talk about it!

What does “No” really mean?

Contrary to the belief of some men – that “no” means she is playing hard to get – no really does mean NO. “Stop” means STOP. Regardless of how close you are to actual penetration or the sex act, if either party says “no” or “stop”, that is exactly what they mean. Anything else and you are having sex outside the boundaries of consent.

Gentlemen, when a woman says “no”, there is usually a valid reason for it. Ladies, there are also problems with “mixed messages”. Watch your boundaries. Do not appear ‘available’ if you’re not. Even if it makes you feel good to flirt with men, you are sending a message – be aware of that. What starts out innocently can sometimes end up extremely awkwardly.

A note here about clothing for those who insist “she was hardly dressed at all”: Women should be entitled to wear whatever they choose and not get raped. If a man’s wearing a nice suit, decent watch and walking towards a fine car, is he asking to be robbed?

Sex myths

Here is a selection of myths, none of which is true:

  • Men are more sexually competent than women
  • All men know exactly how to excite a partner
  • Your partner will be excited as soon as you are
  • One must always have an orgasm during intercourse
  • Partners must have simultaneous orgasms during intercourse
  • Oral sex is dirty and inferior to penis-vagina sex
  • It is not acceptable to have sex during pregnancy
  • Sex will automatically ‘work’, that is without any knowledge or practise
  • Getting married or having a long-term relationship will always improve one’s sex life
  • Masturbation is acceptable for men, but not for women
  • Persons in a steady relationship shouldn’t masturbate

As with most relationships in life, the key to a with most safer, yet pleasurable sexual relationship between you and your partner is clear communication. So think about what you want, and don’t be afraid to make yourself heard.

Written by LifeAssist