Difficult childhood experiences, divorce, problematic in-laws, money, unmet expectations and lifestyle discrepancies. These are some of the most common reasons why people become estranged from close relatives. And it’s a common phenomenon. Many well-known personalities – including Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Tom Cruise and Jodie Foster – have spoken openly about their estranged relationships. American psychiatrist Murray Bowen describes estrangement as emotional cut-off, when individuals manage their unresolved emotional issues with parents, siblings or other family members by reducing or totally cutting off emotional contact with them – whether on a physical or interactive level. They usually do this to reduce anxiety.
Speaking to The New York Times, Dr Karl Pillemer, a family sociologist at Cornell University, who recently published a book titled Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, says people often stay in long-term estrangement because they have differing views about the reality of the past.
“We know from psychology that we love our own narratives and we don’t give them up. You’re not going to align the perspectives of the sister who felt she was emotionally abused and the brother who thought he was just doing normal teasing.”
Is there something to be said for estrangement?
Psychologists seem to agree that, if the relationship in question is producing suffering or is unhealthy, if there is abuse on an emotional, physical or financial level, the victim should be able to stop interacting with that person, regardless of their relationship. The victim’s safety is paramount. If you’re involved in a difficult relationship, you may want to ask yourself these questions:
Is the problem between us causing me harm?
Is my relative willing to see the problem and make a change?
Is this a toxic relationship?
A wound that doesn’t heal
Dr Pillemer explains that, for many, being estranged from someone is both shameful and isolating. It can feel as if your family is being judged, and that there is something wrong with you.
Further-more, there are associations between being estranged and experiencing anxiety and depression.
Thankfully, many people seem to be able to reconcile, even after years of estrangement. In most situations, Dr Pillemer says either the situation has changed or the person has changed. In some cases, people realise that their time is running out and they no longer want to put off making peace.
With the passing of time, people often feel less upset over the past, and the argument that may have started the estrangement starts to seem trivial.
“For the vast majority who do [reconcile], it turned out to be a positive, sometimes even life-changing experience. They found it to be a major life accomplishment.”
What should people who want to reconcile keep in mind?
In most cases, reconciliation is worth it, but it’ll probably be difficult. You may have to adjust your expectations. You should work on developing clear boundaries and specific conditions under which the reconciled relationship must be maintained. In order to have the individual back in your life, you may have to let go of the desire to have them see the past the way you see it.
You and your immediate family have access to the ICAS EWP which provides an omnichannel point of access.
Written by LifeAssist
